Finding the Gift among pain, loss, and abandonment

Finding the Gift among pain, loss, and abandonment

This Father's Day marks, 21 years that I called my dad to wish him a "Happy Father's Day" and the (land) line barked back at me the unmistakable alarm of disconnection.  Intuitively I knew this sign wasn't solely the disconnection of a phone line but to the connection to my father, permanently.  I don't think I realized the impact at the time the loss of a parent would have.  I felt distinct relief and finality.  Not having the tools or the resources, I pushed the emotionally pain deep down and carried on with a stalwart pride for many years.  

My dad was funny, witty, smart, hard-working and taught my sister and I to be independent yet connected, strong, and aim for abundance.  Never were we supposed to rely on a man for anything; unfortunately that meant his emotional support as well.  So, in addition to what I did learn, I also felt the hole of emotional abandonment and later, physical.

Fifteen years later, when I learned of my dad's death from a Facebook message sent from the other side of the world, it actually opened the pathways to feel the love he did have for me.  As intangible as the loss was, no longer was I looking for him across the bars I worked at or was I on the defense for the phone call that never came.  All that was left was grief and the flood of emotion.  I did feel his love and was able to see it in a different way now that I was no longer keeping the gates of my heart locked.

Still in my mid 30's I recognized my relationships with both men and women were not nearly as fulfilling as I would like.  I still felt the shame of the abandonment from my dad and now it was coupled with the inauthentic loss of a parent.  Yes, he died, but for me, the loss began many years before.  I do believe a lesson, like a symptom of disease, keeps rearing its head until you decide to give it a look.  At last, pain in the mask of anger and repeated relationship patterns of both SHAME and abandonment led me to talk therapy and I released the grief trapped in the cells of that little girl.  Healing on a cellular level has extraordinary transformative power and transcends any logical belief around how you 'should' feel.  

Here's what I have learned.  It wasn't about me at all.  His journey, his path, though connected to me, wasn't about ME.  His own fear, cowardice and self limiting beliefs didn't give him the capability to be the man or father I needed (healing myself helped me learn what I did need and find a man worthy of me).  While biology dictates that we always look to our parent for love and acceptance we must realize one can only give away to others what one has inside and he loved me to his own best capacity.  He did his best until he couldn't.

Awareness is our strongest gift.  When we are able to look within, hear and honor our pain, it is then we are able to make the shifts to live a life we have desired.  Take time to reflect within and take inventory of your emotions, where and why they are arising.  Connect with someone who can truly hear and see you because being witnessed is where the healing the begins.  

We are given gifts, although they may not look like the ones are friends are given, they are the tools we need to transform our self.  If my dad had not left, I would not have the space to heal and grow.  I would not have learned to love myself, find the super power of empathy, and in turn, become a healer, nurse and support to hold space for those that need hope to grow and nourish a life that is truly desired.

People and things are in our lives for a reason.  When we hold too tight to something that doesn't fit our needs anymore,  we close down the path that lets in what we truly do need.  It may seem preposterous that we no longer need our parent yet often they can do more for us from beyond or simply not being in our life anymore.  The universe is always there to provide, release what we no longer need, and to make room for what truly serves us.  When we hold too tight, it's based on a fear of not having enough.  Know that you always have what you need.  Know that when you open up your palm and release, it is the same action to receiving more. 

Lastly, forgiveness is an act of self love.  This is a concept that evaded me for a while.  The depth of the wound is conversely related to the depth of the healing and forgiveness and may come in waves and layers.  Forgiving someone sets you free, it does not let them escape their actions.  It simply says I no longer give my energy over to you for hurting me.  Blaming impedes your own growth which keeps the wound festering.  

Be well and know you are not alone in this journey!  xo

Reach out and let me know how this impacted you or if you are craving support.  

Being able to transform your health and wellness is not merely diet; learning to nourish yourself with self love is an act of well being.  Nourishing yourself today brings you closer to the life you desire to live!   

 

 

Balancing Act

Balancing Act

Climbing too far out on the edge of the tree limb, you may fall.  Staying too close to the trunk and you eliminate all risk and growth.  Allowing yourself to stay comfortable feels good yet eventually stagnation takes over.. Dis-ease.  How do we know where balance is when we want something and have been told to motivate, push, persevere?! 

There are steps to getting to where you need.  Look at how you do one thing, because it's how you do all things.  I have always been slow to warm up.  I test the water and move in at my own pace.   Maybe it's because I am the astrological sign in Cancer, the crab.  Maybe it's because I am an old soul, cautious and strategical.  

Whatever it is.  It doesn't mean I never get out past the dock, it means I never, ever, run off the dock and canon ball into the water.  Theoretically or literally.  So, this time shouldn't have been any different, yet for many reasons outside of self, I thought, "maybe".

I thought changing my entire life, giving up my nursing career, my friends and family and moving to a brand new city to being an on-line wellness coaching career would be quick and painless.

For many reasons and a few misguided teachings I didn't prepare for the grief that rose up after leaving a world I knew very well.  I didn't prepare for HOW I wanted to make friends.  I didn't know exactly how different the online world is and how putting yourself out there in the intertubes actually effects emphathic people energetically.   Yes, I wondered what was wrong with me and yes, I took action to sort through all these feelings. 

I don't regret one moment of this journey.  Had I over thought and worried about every little step, who knows where I would be.  Even the dark days prove to be much more fulfilling than the life I was living.  Fatigued, suppressed, overweight and soul-fully undernourished.   Yet, finding some tips to navigate it were definitely in order.  I've taken a new approach.   Try these if you feel like you need a shift.  

 

  • Asking our body's intuition is huge.  Ask yourself, Is my body craving movement or rest. Listening within instead of routinely following habits.  Walking when you need to.  Resting when you need to.
  • Putting limits on self.  Sit down and distract for a bit with Netflix but don't do it all night or all day.  Take time to tap into how you are feeling before your feelings take over your mood. 
  • Sleep.  Being tired and fatigued doesn't support any part of our body.  Resisting sleep is the root of other emotional upsets.  
  • Download Positivity.  Listen to a podcast, surround yourself with music, find the gratitude in the little things that you didn't have to think about.  Your breath, your health, your bed, your clothed. 

We are all here for a reason.  Lessons provide steps to grow from.  If you are struggling with a new challenge or an emotion you'd like to shift  too, email me.  Find me on Facebook. I am here to help and support.  

 


 
 

Is your COMFORT zone reaching the DANGER zone?

Comfort zones are necessary.  Your brain wants to do less work as often as it can.  It's a brilliant survival skill.  Can you blame it?  Comfort also elicits the emotion of joy through nostalgia, reminiscing, and contentment.

But how does it keep you SMALL?  How does muting your voice keep you stuck and disconnected from your own desires?  Our body, our soul, knows our TRUTH.  When we silence our truth, we disconnect from our greatest source of knowledge, our body.  On the contrary, letting it out, whatever the cost, sets you free.  Consequences or results should not hold us back from setting our soul free and creating our biggest DESIRES, yet it does.

Often in business, the message is, "if you are speaking to everyone, you are speaking to no one".  This is the same for all areas of your life.  By attempting to please everyone, be pleasing to everyone, have a version of yourself without rough edges and that everyone can appeal to keeps your truth numb.  

Recently, I walked a line appealing to be a version of myself that was likeable, endearing to all so that I didn't face rejection.  Who did that serve?  Certainly not me and not the others I attempted to connect with.  This was not a lie I propagated but merely once I learned more information, I held onto the old version that felt so right in the beginning.  I didn't allow myself to hear my truth and let go.  I didn't allow myself to ascend into this new version of my truth.  Why?  Because letting go and becoming more can be SO scary.  There's a loss that travels with it but also a freedom.  We tend to focus on the negative, it's our brains way to protect us.  But forcing this version of the girl I so wanted to be and hold onto what I thought I so wanted to have, thwarted all. 

Shedding, cutting the cord, ripping off the band-aid provided a freedom I didn't expect!   I felt extremely clear stepping into ME and strong knowing I was in my truth.  It turned out to be "enough" . Also, my raw uncovered truth was a more beautiful gift then the pretty, well wrapped image of the truth I tried to portray.  

Where can you be more clear in your life?  What truth are you unwilling to face?  Be courageous enough to cut the cords and move forward where it doesn't serve YOU.  

The truth is scary.  Rejection is scary.  But being disconnected to yourself causes far worse pain.  It can cause lasting, insidious pain, and wounds that can only be minimized by time.  When we let someone else make decisions for our own heart and soul, that we know is true, it hurts so much more.  We lose our own power, conversely, taking the reigns empowers yourself to be the best version.  We teach self to rely on the inside and also create new pathways in our brain (neural pathways) that feel  like the best comfort zone ever.     

 

Does this life resonate with you?  I'd love to hear from you.  Send me an email or find continued support ⤵

Facebook group:  Nourished Living Lounge

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Currently accepting applications for 1:1 coaching if you would love to continue to release emotional blocks like this and create the best LIFE for yourself!  www.kellyannahern.com

 

 

 

 

 

Procrastination: An erosion of your soul.

Overcoming Procrastination~

Anyone relate to:  Fear of Success or Fear of Failure? Either one can result in paralysis.  

If you are honest, can you relate to this fear?  

Sometimes procrastination is the symptom of the fear.  Procrastination is related to lack of "self regulation". Growing up with a controlling parent can erode sense of self and ability to make your own decisions for yourself including the areas of time management.  Often feeling it will never look good and therefore, nothing gets completed.  If the pendulum swings the other way one can become really rebellious feeling all you can control is HOW you do something by controlling the timing of it.

Self regulation trickles into self worth.  HOW?  Because how can you truly rely on yourself if you are not showing up 100% for yourself.  How can you truly adore yourself when you are disappointed by YOU?!  

This is important to know because when we compare, we disregard the steps that have gotten us to where we are now.  If you can relate to this upbringing, feelings of lack of self regulation and self worth, you can start to shed some light on your actions.  Hopefully, this will result in easing the judgment and blame for this habit. 

As humans we crave success, so we start to feel we would love to make a change, really take on the world and take massive action.  We decide, we are through with the self sabotaging behavior and we are going to have success. This can look like huge changes and the action of OVER SCHEDULE.  We overhaul everything and plan to live the best life ever IMMEDIATELY.  Our intentions are good but without awareness of the problem, behaviors, and a plan to make some changes we set up for failure.  The cycles continues and again feeling WORTHLESS!   

Therefore, when you go for something and try to achieve, you lack success.  This comes from repeating the unconscious behaviors that are ineffective yet when we don't know better we continue to keep trying the same thing.  Soon procrastination rears its ugly head, never giving ourself the chance.  

Procrastination shows up with small tasks and trickles into LARGE tasks so take some time and rid yourself of being held back by completing small actions and it will likely trickle into bigger action.  

I've been there!  I've been gung-ho and had friends weigh in their doubtful opinion that I would accomplish anything new.  While self defeat is depressing, it's another kind of defeat that no one has faith in you.  But that is the result of procrastination.  Putting things off to the last minute appears to have a lack of THOUGHTFULNESS, work ethic, or trustworthiness.  We all have those friends who always take care of biz and we know we can rely on them.  While you may not strive to become that person, it would be nice to be counted on for some things.  

The biggest downfall of not following through on your actions creates a lack of confidence to your SELF.  Planning things and hoping to accomplish them erodes your sense of self and feels depressing, dejecting, and frustrating.  I was left feeling like I could never accomplish anything I put my mind to.  Spontaneity--what's that?!  How can you justify jumping up for a fun date with friends if you have your to-do list hanging over your head.  Allow yourself to get things done and then give yourself a reward.  No treat is too small if you have set the intention for a reward!  

 

Here's some tips I used that were supportive to my overall nature.

 

Start with compassion.  Take your first step in empowering yourself and release the judgment.  Understand how your behaviors are formed so you can begin to release or change them.  Be kind to yourself but begin to be aware of your behaviors.

 

Awareness.  If you are conscious of your procrastination, remind yourself that if you just get started, it will feel GOOD!  If it it's a short task, have a reminder conversation and say "this will only take 2-5 minutes".  Just do it!  So often, when I wouldn't complete a task and it would come back to bite me.  I would wish I had just taken out the trash the first time I thought of it.  Less time and energy used on such tasks.  

 

Be liberal with your time.  An oxymoron?  Not so much.  Over scheduling will likely only tap into that controlling or fear feeling. So, choose the highest priority and commit to doing just five minutes --you'll likely to do more. Use the reward system and treat yo'self to better self worth!  For instance, if you have been putting off cleaning, put on your favorite song and commit to just 5 minutes.  Chances are you will be into it and keep on truckin'.  

 

Do Schedule the time.  I began scheduling cleaning, money management, and work hours.  I set aside some cleaning time 30-60 minutes each week and then every time I looked down at my bathroom floor and thought, "I need to mop the floor", I thought happily, "I will do it Wednesday morning!"  

Same with money~ every time I thought, "gotta pay that bill"!  I would release  it to the reminder that it is schedule into a time frame.  If your partner confronts you about money topic, you can happily say, "let's put it on the agenda for the money meeting!".  

 

Free your mind!  The other beautiful thing about this strategy is there is more room in your mind.  Your mind holds onto something so it helps your remember.  It keeps playing it through so once it has a place to be then your mind can feel like it can release the thought and stop running around in your mind.  Think of the countless things you will be able to think about when you aren't worried about cleaning!!  

 

Set a timer or alarm.  When it goes off it is your only responsibility to take care of this work!! Use the mindset "Just Do It".  Nike was onto something there ;)

 

Use gratitude.  I'm so happy and grateful I have a home to clean".  "I am so happy and grateful that I have afforded these blessings and it's time to pay them". It's a huge mind shift! 

 

Be realistic ~ don't set yourself up for failure! Are you expecting to get up early every morning but not giving your body the time it needs to rest?  Are you expecting to lose weight and setting your day up on the run without any healthy meals planned?

If you think it takes one hour to clean the house, give yourself one 1/2 hours when you won't have expected interruptions.  At first it might take a bit to get into it and you will want to feel accomplished and proud when you have finished.  If you have extra time, you will only continue to feel amazing!

 

Journal for extra credit.  Take the extra step and journal your way to success.  Keep the gratitude train going and write down your accomplishments so that at the end of the day, you will remember that you took care of what you planned out.  This will rewire your mind for accomplishment and success (read: FEARless).

 

If these tips resonate with you, send me an email or for continued support: 

I would love to hear from you over at my facebook group:  Nourished Living Lounge

Hit "share" below if this could help someone!

 

Conscious Rebooting to become More

Conscious Rebooting to become More

Do Less, Be More

Often we compel ourselves to GO, GO, GO.  Our cultural messages come at us with blinding speeds.  Want proof?  Watch some muted tv commercials and notice how fast they buzz by.  Stimulation overload!  We wonder why the influx of ADHD is so prevalent.  We have literally trained our bodies to not be comfortable sitting still or in silence.  

However, slowing down and going within is the reboot equivalent.  "Unplug".  I don't know what we called this prior to information overload era's.  Maybe, "Sunday"?

Conscious rebooting is NOT dazed out in front of Netflix for hours and NOT distracting yourself with your favorite bottle of alcohol.  What does your BODY crave?  Yoga, boxing, walking the beach, bike riding through a tree laced park?  

What does your MIND crave?  Meditation?  Therapy,?  Releasing your thoughts in a productive, healing way or talking with your best girlfriend is by far more therapeutic than scrolling through Facebook feed.  (Everything has its place but it doesn't serve as a reboot.)  Paying attention to how you feel after these activities is the best way to know what really FILLS you up.  

Sometime, despite what our culture tells us, we need to take breaks.  We become productive, clear, and infused with the PASSION REQUIRED TO SET LIFE ON FIRE!

Recently, I took this break and in doing so gained clarity in my dreams.  Sometimes our biggest fears represent our biggest dreams.  Taking a mini-sabbatical allowed me to regroup, reframe, and create content that is actually for the woman I want to connect with.  

How will a conscious reboot lead you from your greatest fears to your biggest dreams?

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Journaling ~ Why it is fabulous self care~

10 Reasons Journaling Can be Fabulous

Has journaling NOT been your 'thing'?  I've journaled for years yet I know some just don't find the value in it.  Allow me to challenge this belief.  

Journaling is fabulous because it's excellent self care. 

  • Brainpower:  It allows the stories in your head to come out on paper and sometimes they show you the path to clarity.   Often we are stuck with the same thoughts in our head and they do not dissipate until they LEAVE our head.  Connecting your head to your hand tells your brain they have been take care of.  Your brain feels relief and no longer feels it has the job to hold on to the thought. 
  • Anti-anxiety:  When we write our biggest fears or worries down they often lose their anxiety or terror.  How often have you said something aloud and noticed that it is not particularly likely or logical to happen?
  • Release:  When you write it down, you then get to the next layer within you.  You allow yourself to RELEASEand therefore, question why the feeling has risen, making space for the next layer to slough off. 
  • Empowerment:  Another message for your inner power is that you are relying and empowering yourself by being your own therapist.  We feel proud of our self for taking care of something without seeking anyone else out.  The next problem occurs, we know we have it within us to kick butt.
  • Reflection:  You are able to look back and see if something has been stirring around your head for awhile and take note if you have made any progress.  You can take action on the lack of progress or congratulate yourself. 
  • Programming the universe:  It is telling the universe, "YES, I take time for me".   It gives you time to slow down and BE with yourself.  Then the universe reciprocates because you have programmed it to know what you care about. 
  • Celebration:  It is a safe place to brag about yourself, your successes, your greatest feats! Often, especially women, do not take the time to celebrate all that we have achieved.  The list of what we haven't achieved yet is long but how about all that we are able to get done in 24 hours?  This act of reminding yourself you are worthy of a cheer helps you not seek it from others or feel disappointed if you don't get it from another.  You know you are doing the happy dance in your head and you know you rock!  
  • Listing:  Sometimes journaling just needs to be a list. A list of of your goals, list of gratitude; list of affirmations.  I know people do this each morning and sets their intentions up for the whole day.  What a difference grounding your energy all day can make vs. having it spin trying to find a place to land.  
  • Food diary:  Taking note of your nourishment or your mood.  Keeping track of how food feels in your body can be excellent way to tell if it truly the right food for you.  Often we feel low energy at the same time each day and we may not notice why until it's logged right there in black and white.  
  • Time sensitive:  It can be quick.  5-10 minutes per day can do wonders to release your energy and also kick start the practice. 

 

Often we get hung up on doing it the right way but there is so many ways to take pen and paper or  even draw out, doodle your feelings.  Emotion is energy and  by nature needs to move.  When it doesn't have its outlet it often makes us irritable, restless, snarky, and can even turn inward to depression.  Give yourself a break, choose you!

One common reason  I hear people say they don't like to journal is because they worry others will intrude on their privacy and find their truths.  I'd recommend a lock box or  password for your computer if that is all that is standing between you and connecting with yourself.  You are too important to be put on hold.  

 

  Please follow me at www.kellyannahern.com/workwithme for 1:1 coaching or more guidance on Nourished Living Coaching.  

Trust yourself.  Trust your journey.

Trust yourself. Trust your journey.

In my relationships, I longed for the connection of being heard and seen. Witnessed.  It stemmed from the lack of connection I felt with my family.  The feelings of being seen, heard, or protected in ways that I needed as a kid and felt I didn't get.  I recreated the patterns over and over in relationships with both men and women.  I continued to look into a dry, bottomless, well to quench my thirst of despair.  Only to feel more disappointed, more sadness when this cylinder was unable to provide.  Finally, the pain and anger, hot blooded anger, was so strong that I couldn't handle being in my own skin anymore.  Anger in it's true form is quick and actionable.  Anger in long, drawn-out, pit of your stomach form is hurt, pain, sadness, or frustration.  That's where I felt it.  I felt it in from the bottom of my stomach and I couldn't see straight.  What caused this anger?  Not a thing.  Not a think in the present moment, anyway.  I was harboring all this feeling that was hitched to the past and any little action could trigger it.  Sounds like a heavy burden, right?  Sounds sort of crazy, spelled out.  Why would you let yourself feel that way?? Let me tell you, becoming conscious is big breath of fresh air.


In this moment, I  won't take you down the grief, the tears, the clarity, the lightness of the journey, but I will tell you, the first step is being willing to release.  Hopefully, in the presence of someone who can guide you.  It involves letting it go and being willing to let in a new pattern.  It involves being really courageous to know that life must offer more.  For me, it was learning to love myself instead of reaching toward all the other wells.  I learned to create my own beautiful, warm, luscious well that has plenty for me and even runs over enough for others.  Most of us carry around a scar, it's human and it's how we grow.  But when the scars of our life make it impossible to live then it's time to look for someone to help you.  I believe, you can too can fill in these big, painful, ugly scars.  I also believe I can guide you to this place of pure joy by taking care of yourself, filling yourself up from the inside out.   Please follow me atwww.kellyannahern.com/workwithme for 1:1 coaching or more guidance on Nourished Living Coaching.  

Resiliency v. The Universe

Resiliency v. The Universe

Emotional Resiliency v. The Universe

Does anyone notice, when you start to get close to what you really, really, desire the universe throws you a curveball.  That when you put on your game face, things start to get a little shaky?  A new financial burden comes up, time slips away, a relationship falters!  It feels so daunting!  Like, come on man, I'm ready to play!  I think this is a beautiful time to begin emotional resiliency.  


It's easy to feel overwhelmed, or to repeat an emotional pattern of feeling, "why me"?  Also, to feel you don't have the resources to handle this situation.  Which is the scariest reality of them all.  I believe it's a version of the universe testing us.  I don't think there's anyone up there, laughing, pointing, and really getting excited about watching us squirm.  But I do feel like it's an opportunity to rise to the challenge and prove to ourselves we really want it!  Prove we can remain in abundant thinking even when we are dipping low into our funds.  Prove we can be loving and measured when we feel angry towards our partner.  Prove to ourself that we can rely on ourself to be trusted even when we have attracted a situation that didn't work out the way we wanted to. 
We are the only ones we have at the end of the day.  We create our experiences and we need to remind ourselves how to be resilient to keep going and to keep nourishing ourselves.  Being lovingkind is a wonderful place to start.  It allows us to accept what has occurred and to get up again and start the day fresh, without any feelings of failure and negative self talk.  Celebrate your wins today and allow yourself to be nourished, it opens the pathway to move forward!  

 

Head over to the 1:1 Coaching if you want to book a complimentary clarity call! 
www.kellyannahern.com/workwithme

My new website is here!!

Welcome to my website!

Welcome to my new website!  It's a magical landing base for women to come together and heal through nourishment.  Food that feels amazing in your body, movement that your body craves and a lifestyle that truly nourishes YOU.  When we are in our heart's alignment, everything runs smoother, we can give to our friends and family easier, relationships are fulfilling, and we have more energy to fulfill what truly makes us soar!  I feel this nourishment is truly fit, free, and sexy! 

I am thrilled you are here to join me and can't wait to connect.  I am looking forward to dropping through your inbox regularly with self-love, nutritional tips and overall wisdom gained from own healing journey.  

Stay tuned and feel free to share any tidbits you'd like to see through email or comments at the bottom!  

Interested in 1:1 coaching?

Get a complimentary clarity call
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